GUEST BLOGGER -- True Truth History: The Pope and Technology

As all of you might or might not have heard the Pope of Catholicism, Pop Benedict Numero Sixteen (as he's known to his friends) has opened a Twitter account. The world waits in eager anticipation to have their ears filled to bursting with 160 characters of Popely wisdom. Already Dicty has surpassed many other religious leaders in number of followers and he has yet to even make a post. The world waits in agony for the long process to be completed. First the Pope writes out a sermon in Classical Church Latin, from there he hands it down to his Cardinal of Translation who interprets the Latin to mean a number of different things. The Cardinal then hands down his translation to a number of Bishops who then each separately interpret the translation and pass it down to their various underlings. However at this stage in the process the Cardinal of Contention usually steps in. This man's job is to re translate the Pope's initial sermon into a totally different, prettier document that he then passes down to the same Bishops. These Bishops then move diagonally to the lay people of the church who condense these thousands of conflicting interpretations into their own 160 character "Personal Pope Grams" which are then returned to the Pope by doves. The Pope then selects one interpretation, declares it to be God's will and hands it to his great nephew to spice up and post on the internet.
This process has many roots in ancient traditions of Christianity, besides the internet bits, this practice has gone on for thousands of years. I personally just sent in my Pope Gram of King Jame's Leviticus Verse 11-18 this morning. I THINK ITS MOSTLY ABOUT ALIENS.
The addition of the internet to this timeless process deserves some speculation however. Throughout history the Church has always had an aversion to technology. We all remember in 1984 when Bill Gates, the inventor of the internet, made his Pilgrimage to the Vatican to receive the Pope's blessing. The Pope refused to see him and simply requested that Gates "purge his body of the vampiric taint of computers." The Cardinal of Exorcism then showed Gates to his hotel room where Gates found "only a magic circle carved into the carpet. There wasn't even a minibar." THERE WASN'T EVEN A MINIBAR. It is hypothesized that the Pope had given specific orders to exorcise the Demon of Progress from Mr. Gates. Although if the orders really came from his Magnificent Popeishness still remain a mystery. Needless to say Bill Gates was excommunicated.
This attitude can be traced all the way back to the Vampire Wars of the late Renaissance. Where the Medici and Dracula waged a secret War against the Catholic Church demanding that the Pope begin accepting such true truth's as the printing press science and aliens. The Pope eventually capitulated but only once the vampire's had agreed to only wage outright wars in the style of Underworld one of the Pope's favorite vampire woodcuts.

--MOTHMAN

In Game of Fiscal Chicken, Top Republican in Hot Seat

                Once again the United State is addressing its deficit and this impending “Fiscal Cliff” we are all about to drive off of.  And, once again, John Boehner weeps publicly in an attempt to convince the President and other members of Congress that taxes should not be raised for the upper 2%.  Crying is a strategy many young children use to get their parents to buy them something, but Speaker of the House John Boehner, as he already owns an Xbox, has cultivated this technique and instead applied it to his professional career. As anyone would probably suspect, it is a difficult thing to yell at a grown man crying openly in a crowded room and this threat has been enough to keep President Obama at a distance.  However, as we near this imminent doom the country has to address the issue once again and try to get something done through Boehner’s tears.

                So far, it looks as though Boehner has little support for his Fiscal Cliff solution even from his fellow Republicans.  However, in the event that there will be zero compromises made on the issue, it is safe to assume a complete collapse of our financial system.  The American dollar will become so invaluable that we citizen will adopt the trading of baseball cards as currency.  Oil and gasoline will be worth more than a human life and, well, I assume you've all seen Road Warrior…  For the sake of society as we know it, I hope this Fiscal Cliff argument gets ironed out in time.  But just as a precautionary measure, I advise everyone to stock up on duct tape, gas cans, and leather jackets.  

OMG! The Pope Has a Twitter!

Finally!  God’s main man, Pope Benedict XVI, has entered the 21^st century by creating a Twitter account.  This is a much anticipated event for fans of the Pope and God everywhere.  Now the average person can catch up on the Pope’s latest interests, thoughts, what he ate for breakfast, and many other updates of the Pope’s life in the Vatican.  The Pope’s first tweet is scheduled on December 12 and many are wondering just what it is he will tweet about.  Some suggest it will be a prayer, others hope it will be papal anecdote, and a select few expect words from God himself, though there is speculation that, God Almighty would simply create his own twitter account, "Because He’s Almighty.  Duh.”

                According to a rumor from a reliable source, the reason for such a wait on the Pope’s first tweet is due to the intense technology training courses the Pope is currently taking in order to become Twitter literate.  In his 85 years of age, Pope Benedict XVI remembers a time before computers and when the internet was invented he pooh poohed the very idea, stating that “It would never catch on”.  In his stubborn old age, the Pope has actively avoided the internet and other modern technologies, not because of his intense old school faith, but because as an 85 year old man technology is one of the top three most terrifying things next to teenagers and ‘Rock’n’Roll’ music.  The Pope’s new Twitter account is a revolutionary step for doddering old men everywhere.  This fad will completely change how technology is viewed among the elderly and may create a new, older generation of tech savvy senior citizens.  This may, in turn, alter the demographic to which the world wide web caters to:  Adds and pop-ups will no longer read, "You've just won 10,000 dollars" but instead say "Your grandchildren have just emailed you, click here to open!"  The default font on every website will be size 30.  And most importantly, the internet will slow to a Sunday drive crawl so as not to startle this new group of internet users.  

Supreme Court Will Take Up Two Cases on Gay Marriage

For a number of years same-sex marriage has apparently been a topic of controversy in the United States as the idea of equality is a laughable reality.  This past November same-sex marriage was on the ballot in four states and passed in three; Maine, Maryland, and Washington, with the number of states passing same-sex marriage initiatives increasing.  Currently, the Supreme Court is looking into the “issue” of same-sex marriage because according to federal law marriage is between a man and a woman; I’m sure we all remember several years ago when it seemed like same sex marriage was legal in California.  It is becoming increasingly clear that the United States is divided on the topic and something is going to change, but what?  

I believe that despite the Supreme Court’s involvement, more and more states will pass same-sex marriage and those states will fight for their new laws, demanding equality for every US citizen.  These Same-Sex Marriage states will secede in an attempt to defend what they believe to be right.  There will then be a war, “The Gay Civil War” or the “War of Heterosexual Aggression” as it will be referred to in Same-Sex Marriage states.  It will be the bloodiest war America will see, Greycoats v.s. Rainbowcoats: brother against brother in the fight for marriage equality.  The states that do no secede will have the most to lose, that being the ability to dictate and interfere directly in the personal lives of complete strangers.  It is impossible to tell who will win in this hypothetical future, but either way both sides will suffer enormous losses.  Blood and glitter will stain the text books of the future and most will have wished they instead placed a heavier emphasis on human equality. 

Obama Does a Little Christmas Shopping on "Small Business Saturday"

CBS news reported that President Barack Obama and his two daughters were doing a little Christmas shopping last night at an “independent, neighborhood, small business” book store.  Because this qualifies as news, here is a photo of the event:

The president rather cockily commented on his superior shopping style to his wife’s, stating “Michelle, she can go wandering around forever.  I like knowing what I’m coming in here for.” (CBS News).            

Here’s a picture of the president "consulting his Blackberry for an apparent holiday wish list" (CBS News):

Here’s a video of the president shopping:

One local reaction to the president’s trip to “One More Page Books” book store in Arlington, Virginia was “I WENT TO THAT STORE ONE TIME! ERMAHGERRRRRD!”  Another commented, "I like Obama, he reads books.  I also read books."  Here's a picture of the president buying books:

 

The president made this appearance to support some sort of “Small Business” event.

Or whatever. 

Here's a photo of President Obama shopping with his dog:

Twinkie Maker Hostess Reaches the End of the Line

When one thinks of America, a very special pastry comes to mind.  A symbol of innocents and family values, of childhood and care-free living.  I am speaking of course of the beloved Twinkie.  For centuries the Twinkie and other Hostess goodies have ruled over rivaling snack foods (not factually of course as Hostess has “filed for Chapter 11 protection in January, its second trip through bankruptcy court in less than three years”).  However, this mascot of the American Dream seems to not simply be stepping down from its junk-food throne, but instead committing very deliberate suicide.  My fellow bloggers, the Twinkie has given up.  It’s simple, immaculate image cannot compete with today’s “sexy snacks”, such as the Oreo and Pop-Tarts.  The future consequences of the Twinkie’s extinction are not fully appreciated at this juncture, though they will most likely be catastrophic.  America will have to adopt another immortal treat appropriate for bomb shelters and “in case of apocalypse” kits, and honestly I don’t think any other snack has what it takes.

$6 Billion Spent on Campaign

As I am sure most of you have heard, about $6 billion was said to have been spent on the 2012 presidential campaign.  I'm also sure this frustrates most Americans to tears.  According to the Huffington Post, a majority of that spending can be accredited to over 1 million presidential ads aired over the course of 5 months.  Many may be thinking, "Hey!  I could buy 858 million six-packs of Budweiser with that kind of money!”, and indeed you could, research suggests.  I’m sure many of you are begging modern science and technology to rationalize this phenomenon, “WHY, SIRI?!” you plead to your myriad of Apple products, “WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN?!” But Siri does not have the answer.  Luckily, I have a proposal that will satisfy the needs of both the politicians who are becoming accustomed to this frivolous spending, as well as the confused, weeping masses.  A seemingly endless amount of money can continue to be put toward any election; however, all presidential elections will be funded solely by profits attained through bake sales.  Effective immediately.